I know, I should be in bed, but I've been and got up again. Tonight, sadness and self-pity has hit me again. I really thought I was over it, hell I braved it so well over the New Year "celebrations" and the snow also distracted me perfectly. "Are you Ok Rhian? " Yes I'm fine I said, I've re-set my plans I'm fine. I honestly thought I was, but it's taken one thing, one thing to open the wounds that were obviously not healed, and I can't sleep for crying.
So many litter announcements, so many puppies, some with litter after litter, and success after success. I'm not trying to be jealous, I promise I'm not, but I am just devastated that the dream has been snatched away from me again. This was the perfect time, after so much sadness, I needed it so much.
I had so many high hopes for Beti, she truly is beautiful, but I know the limitations ahead for her and me. Nature can be so damned cruel. Then there is Meerah, again my dreams have been shattered, why do I continually get it so wrong? Or maybe I should re-phrase it, why does it continually go wrong for me? I do my homework, I try my best ... and still at best, we wear the bridesmaids dress.
I honestly have no inclination to go to the show I've entered. The thought of getting up, going it alone on the drive to a cold hall to end up an "also ran" behind the faces on the end of the leads suddenly doesn't appeal to me. The only thing that does appeal is seeing the wonderful friends, from all over the country, that I've been blessed to meet along my dog world journey.
Poor Steve doesn't know what to say to comfort me, but honestly there is nothing that can be said. Platitudes, however well-meant, are currently pointless.
I apologise for the self-pity, but coming here helps me .... Siska's next season seems such a long time to wait, let's hope I can keep it together and look favourably to the future ....
