It's been a horrendously emotional few days. For reasons I'll explain, I've been tormented by memories of Kaiah again. Last night I lay awake for hours, every time I closed my eyes I saw her standing there in that vets consulting room, those black eyes and the intense, somewhat concerned expression on her face as I walked away. I could never have envisaged that that would be the last time I'd see her, I never even said goodbye as I full-heartedly believed I would be picking her up again in just a few hours. Will the actions of that day haunt me forever? I have been better recently, distracted by the puppies, I was even able to get through her birthday without a total meltdown. Last night in the dark I cried, trying so hard to keep it in as not to awaken Steve, but equally hoping he'd hear and wake up to give me a hug, even after all these years, nothing soothes the wounds like a Steve hug. Anyway, eventually I fell asleep, but it didn't get better as those thoughts entered my dreams.
Last week a lovely friend lost her beautiful GSD bitch, Gina. Gina was 14 months and had gone to thevets for Xrays, but like Kaiah, Gina did not come round from the anaesthetic. Gina was one of Beti's class mates, we'd holidayed together at the Sieger, such a lovely girl with everything to give. My friend said she's trying to get her head around it, I can give her no comfort as I guess you never do. As I've said before, in my case anyway, self forgiveness is not an option, I have tried, but it simply is not an option that's available for me. RIP dear Gina, you will be missed.
Beti needs her health tests doing. I'm terrified, I just can't face it, and if I had been building up the courage to get them done, well feck, now I've completely lost my nerve again. To carry on in this world of GSDs, I will have to get these tests done, but I've no idea how I'm going to face it! I will look into testing her for MDR1 before the scoring. "Multidrug Resistance 1,(MDR1) is a genetic mutation that makes dogs more sensitive to certain drugs. It's most common in herding breeds, including German Shepherds." So yes, that has to be the first plan of action.
