Monday, 29 May 2023

That Could Have Been A Disaster

Another sleepless night as I'm haunted by my memories and thoughts. As soon as I close my eyes my head fills with images of Kaiah. The guilt becomes overwhelming, I have to get up, and take myself away from the situation. I'm really trying hard but especially at that time of the night, self forgiveness is not an option. 
The fields are beautiful at the moment, full of wild flowers, but my god today I couldn't have stayed there long for the pollen, so went out in front of Plas Braich and around Twll Braich. (the deep quarry hole) Steve said that after I got back the dogs smelt strongly of pollen, no wonder I couldn't breath.
With the lack of sleep I made what could have been a disastrous error this morning, I didn't shut the door properly between the living room and the middle room. Ross noticed and followed by Sammi then Orin they all barged through. Zeus stood by the outside door and the brothers came face to face, I saw Ross and Sammi make a hasty retreat back to the living room. Zeus was showing off his best Colgate smile, Orin probably too but I could only see his bum and hear the grumbling... I expected a huge fight any second, then Siska pushed through the middle and went out into the garden. 
Thankfully, Zeus decided a game with Siska was far more appealing than a fight with his brother and
ran out after her ... I grabbed Orin by the collar and Steve came in to take him through. The last time I made such an error with brothers was many moons ago with Dexi and Simba, with pretty disastrous consequences at the time! I've always said that when keeping same sex sibling human error is what let's them down! Anyway, thankfully Orin is not confrontational, and it was not a disaster, but it did leave me weak and shaking. 
Siska is still messing with food, I'm getting worried, I hope I'm just overthinking things as she's full of fun and naughtiness!