Miss K

People are so kind, their heartfelt messages and cards mean a lot, but when they ask me how I am? "Broken" is the only word that describes how I feel. This has got to be the worst, the most difficult of losses. Though it wrecks us at the time we can and do cope with saying goodbye to an old animal, or even younger ones with health issues, but this, well it has broken me beyond compare. 

I can't close my eyes without seeing her face, always the same image, she's standing in the consulting room, the vet has her lead in her hand and she's staring at me with those black eyes and that intense expression that she had. I walked away, like I always did, I never believe it's healthy to make a fuss, it's no big deal I'll see you again soon. Little did I fecking know it was my last chance, little did I know I would never see that beautiful face again. I find it impossible to sleep, my thought go back to the hours of that morning, from telling her off for bouncing around like an idiot to the call from the vet. I find the voice screaming inside my head .. "Why didn't you just breath Kaiah? Why didn't you try?" The guilt haunts me; yes I hear your words, I was not to know, I could never have predicted this outcome; but look at it from my point of view, I made a decision, I took a healthy happy bitch for elective surgery and she died, so the way I see it the responsibility lies with me. 

The house is so quiet, she was such a mega gob and she encouraged Orin to join in with her noisy campaigns, but she was such a sweet girl, obedient beyond compare and demandingly affectionate. This morning she arrived home in a box, it gives me no comfort, but then I doubt anything could ...