Sorry To Go On About It

This blog is basically a diary, it is a place for me to write about life at Blanik. Sometimes I indulge in self pity that maybe I'd be too embarrassed to share and deal with otherwise. This is not a place for judgment or criticism, writing it helps me deal with it, it's often gives me solutions, be they temporary or permanent. So please feel free to by pass this post, well any post that displeases you and please rejoin on a more positive moment.
It's late night jaffa cakes and tea again ... though I'm physically exhausted I can't seem to find the off switch to my thoughts and dreams. I've been crying again, shit I should be able to move on, but the roller coaster ride with Sammi is not helping. I swear my heart hurts, I feel an ache in the pit of my stomach that as I've said before I can only compare to loss. I wanted it so much that in the quieter moments I can't seem to think of anything else. Oh hell I know what I have, so much love, so much joy from a large and lovely family of canine and feline "kids."  I am also truly blessed to live with, love and be loved by the best man I could ever imagine would cross my path, but it doesn't take away from the sadness, the disappointment and the longing to be there again watching new life. It is for me the most magical experience and it feels like forever since my heart was filled with that joy.
Remember the Welsh saying "pawb ai fys lle mai ddolur." We all have our own challenges in life, stress with work, stress with family with vehicles with health .. we all face our own dilemmas and disappointments. No one can say my sadness is greater or lesser than theirs. What upsets me greatly maybe of no consequence to the next man, and vice versa. There is no point telling me to "get a life" or to move on because if I could believe you me I would. Don't get me wrong I'm not in a permanent state of sadness or depression, something comes along and just sets me off again. So many beautiful puppy pictures on Facebook .. yes I admit I'm jealous, but not in a nasty way it's just because I'm so sad and needy.
I should try and go back to bed, but lying there with my thought I just get worse. I plan and organise thing, have conversations with stud dog owners and vets, plan routes ... Oh and I scratch, my eczema is off the scale. Anxiety and stress have always cause my eczema to flare up, which then creates more anxiety and stress, which then leads to more eczema flare-ups. ... but again there is nothing I can do about it .. I do no not choose this, it is what it is and until somehow I'm able to move past it I have to live through it and to be fair it's not even a month since my dreams were completely dashed is it!
Come on Sammi .. you at least could help me out a little here my angel....