Loki

 How do we deal with it time and time again? How do we cope? One thing is for sure, it never gets easier even with so much time to be prepare as we'd had with Loki, there's never a way around the pain. Of course the others needs play an important part in my sanity, I can't imagine the pain of nothing. After a loss I usually do the same things, I wash the dinner bowl and put it at the back of the cupboard, I strip the bed, collapse the cage and change the layout of the dogs bedroom. I've hidden his toy, at the moment I don't want to see that toy. I don't now walk into their bedroom and see his bed, because it's not there, when I'm preparing meals, I don't accidentally count 8 instead of 7 .. and I write, I write this blog, a tribute to the one I've lost ... it all gradually helps me adjust to what has to be our new normal. 

Is it wrong of me to admit that I feel some relief? Watching him deteriorating was heart-wrenching. Every time he fell I swear my heart missed a beat, but I continued to try and make it fun for him, me stressing and crying was not what he needed. The incontinence was neither here nor there, it was mostly easily managed, but for the last couple of months he looked so frail. He was skin and bone, his coat was dry, thinning and coarse, and he had no undercoat to protect him from the elements. He regularly had sores on his feet and his nails bled, but seeing him fall on, and cutting his face yesterday was heartbreaking. We knew it was close, we really did, but it was still unexpected. I was I could find solace in religion and see him in my mind running again with the pack; but right now all I want is to have him back here, fit, proud and beautiful. I really hope someday that when I visualise him, that I see him again as he was at his best and not the shell that he'd become recently. My darling Loki it was time to say goodbye, but it broke my heart to let you go. Let's hope I'm proved wrong and we do have the pleasure of meeting you again, someday ...