As we were walking, Zeus was doing his usual rolling around and I saw his bottom looked very dirty. I told Steve that after I'd finished the walks we'd have to have a look. OMG, what a bloody mess. All I can think is that a piece of poo had got stuck in the hair and then he'd sat on it ... or something equally revolting. So two pairs of hands, a bucket of warm water, scissors, a brush and a sponge and we managed to clean the caked on disaster - I did muzzle Zeus as it meant we could restrain him without concern, he grumbled a couple of times and tried to get away more times than I can think, but in all fairness he did well. Another reason not to have any more long coats eh!
I've no idea what happened to this photo, did I manage to click on portrait maybe? But then wouldn't all of the background be blurred? Anyway it was the only one I had of the three so I'm not deleting it.
Today we three should have been at Cheshire show. When I entered, I had every intention of going but with the judging order, the parking and everything else I kept rethinking it. Maybe it would have done me good to go, but to be honest I'm still struggling. I'm not sleeping and so emotional. 🙁 I just keep wondering when will I stop crying? When can I move on? I guess all the loss has caught up with me. There has been so much sadness in the last 12 months, 4 dogs, my dad, little Junior and Steve health, I guess it's all just caught up with me. I try and be OK, but I'm not, losing Kaiah has pushed me over the edge. I consider myself to be a pretty rational, sensible person who is generally in charge of her emotions, but now I just feel broken and I've never experienced these feeling for such a prolonged period before.
I miss Kaiah so much, the guilt is eating me up. Steve thinks that I won't be able to move on until I stop blaming myself ... but how do I ever do that? How do I learn to close my eyes without seeing her face? How do I learn to speak her name without the intense sadness? How do I ever remember the good times? How do I ever remember her with a smile instead of a tear? Time heals they say ... well that's all I can hope for!
Kaiah and Siska a year ago
