Words

I wrote this years ago, I really couldn't improve on it today ..."The Dreaded 15th Of December ... Today is still one of the hardest days of the year for me. Louis was special, my dream dog. Everything I like about a GSD all wrapped up in one precious little package. A kind happy dog who lived a fun filled life. Louis loved everyone, and his dog; but I was privileged, for his entire life he gave me his all, Louis loved me the most! Still miss you so much my precious boy, my dog in a lifetime, my Mr Amazing. 21/07/03 - 15/12/12."

This morning a friend whose husband has been ill told me she feels bitter and angry, she asked me if I feel the same? Well yes some days I do, and today happens to be one of those days. I'm not bitter or angry with Steve though, it's the situation that causes the ill feeling isn't it. I'm not hiding the fact that I'm exhausted and that I don't know how long I can keep going, sadly I fear something is going to give. Until your in a situation of caring for someone I doubt you can understand the conflict of feelings and the self-pity that sometimes arises. I don't regret a single moment of my life with him, and I fear the prospects of a life without him, but of course I wish it was different, I wish it was pain free for him and better for all of us. 

A photo of Siska today reminded me of Kaiah, that bought a lot of emotions flooding back, again a lot of bitterness and anger on what was going to be an emotional day anyway. The first two walks were great, with everyone obedient and having fun .. but the third walk just didn't work and through their stupidity Zeus' lead got dangerously caught around Beti's neck on one occasion. I suppose it could have easily been sorted if he had an ounce of a recall, but he doesn't and panic did set in. Generally Beti is very obedient and realises that it's in her interest to stay with her pack, but spending too much time with Zeus when she's at an age of considering her options I think is unwise. I've seen her think about things numerous times recently, but to be fair, she's mostly made the right decision.