My morning started with a "Broken Bracelet," yes I'm a Marc Almond fan so "Broken bracelets, broken dates, And half a bottle of heartache," has been going through my head ever since. Anyway, it was a special bracelet that Steve had bought me in one of his very few and far between romantic moments, and it had charms hanging on it, including one that Ro had bought me after we lost Kaiah. Ok it could have been much much worse, it had broken in bed and nothing was missing, it's not lost forever, but I hadn't taken it off since he got it for me. That started me off on an emotional roller coaster...
Beti's limp was still there, and I thought of nothing but Ross, his 4 month limp and what developed from there. I'm lucky to still have Ross and his issues to date have been easy to manage, others are of course still mourning their heartache and loss.We have never had an elbow score in this breeding line, not ever, not even a 1, with these facts I try to rationalise it, but my head has never worked that way! Beti was the "bringer of happiness" and yes of course, she has, she is ...but I just don't think I could physically deal with another disaster!
Late morning I decided to look through monthly photos of the dogs for the calendar - bad idea! Ziva was there in January and February and of course there were almost 5 months of photos of Kaiah. Of course they will both be included in next years calender, but my god the tears flowed and the guilt came back to haunt me. Will I ever be able to let this go? Will I ever be able to rationalise the loss and remember the good times? I bloody hope so!
Steve suggested we went into Caernarfon, his birthday money was burning a hole in his jeans, so he needed new ones. I got myself a couple of things and started the dread Xmas shopping, yes in November! We then got chips and curry sauce and ate them in the car park with a view! (looking over the straits at Anglesey)
Coming home I felt a little more human, and Mr Postie had left ma a present. I was excited, Siska's Stud Book certificate from the KC. I rushed to open it, I was so proud ... but then I remembered Kaiah's was still in the envelope, I'd barely look at it when it arrived a week after she died. I opened it and the flood gates opened again!
