This is not about George Michael...this is about me!
Ok, I need to get this off my chest. You may choose to read it, you may not. It's not about George Michael, it's about me. Maybe posting it here isn't the right thing to do, but I needed to write it to clear my head. It really does help me to put my thoughts on paper..So my soul is now bare!!!For those who do choose to read, thank you for listening.
When I was travelling to Manchester yesterday I made the mistake of trying to get on Facebook on my new phone. Only really because the phone is new to me and I now have Internet access on my tariff. Well hell I wish I hadn't! I had made a status comment about George. The press had reported that he was smoking a spliff on a boat in Australia at 7.30am, like this is headline news? The only thing new here was that George was out of bed before lunch time!
When I left there where a few funny replies from people who "got it!" But by the time I was on the mini bus I just couldn't believe the replies. One person who I consider a friend had spouted out her feelings about the "sicko pervert. " This is the same person who I defended on a GSD forum telling them that I considered her a friend, obviously the feeling is not mutual! I can take a joke like the next person, someone els made harmless jokes, no problem but I was completely shattered by her remarks. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion but knowing what George means to me, and she does, I was gutted that she could be so thoughtless about my feelings!
I fell in love with George when I first saw him on his first ever TOTP appearance, and it's unconditional love. I don't care how badly he behaves, it's part of what makes him. As long as he's safe and happy that's all that it's important to me. He gives me so much in my life. I can't help how I feel, It may be childish or misguided to others but to me it's the bit of sanity that has helped me through the hard times. You don't have to understand it, hell I don't think I do myself! But all I ask of my friends is that they respect my feelings. Is it too much to ask?
In the 90ies after a horrible marriage to a control freak I went through a horrible divorce. My x husband loved to put me down, especially in public, he shattered what little self confidence I had. He gave me a total inferiority complex. One of his favorite remarks was "as long as your fat I know no other man will ever look at you." I couldn't really talk to anyone about it so I think that was when I really began to rely on George. He also tried to ruin that, he threw away some of my records and photos (family ones as well) and ripped up all my diary's , after reading them all first of course! He got into my head and I became very introverted. I couldn't talk to anyone for too long because if I did in his opinion I was having an affair with them, or at least thinking about it! But I had George, when no one els could be there for me George was there. That was one thing he couldn't take out of my head! One day a friend asked me what was going, she said "you let him treat you like shit, stick up for yourself." Something snapped and the worm turned, that of course was the beginning of the end of the relationship! (Thank God!!!) (I found out later that he had "come on " to my friend a few months previously and that opened her eyes to the situation. )
For the next 2 years I became hard and cold. I cried a lot to George and my dogs, (who where also my life savers) but no one saw that. During this time I could have so easily sunk too low, but a cd and a fantasy, not a bottle of vodka was what kept me afloat. In 1997 I met Steve and he helped me recover emotionally to where I am now. He's my soul mate, my best friend (when Louis' not listening..lol) Now I have pictures of George on my walls and Steve doesn't care, he loves me for who I am. He boost my self confidence, he gave me back my life. But I still need George so much. When things go wrong, when I'm hurting or I can't cope with seeing my loved ones hurting it's George I turn too, it's George I need. For me George is always my way out of any desperate situation.
I wish I didn't feel the pain, I wish the comments didn't hurt but I'm soft and he's precious to me so they do. I'm not blinkered I know full well that George can be a plank sometimes, I know his life is not what most would consider normal. But like he said it's not what you have that makes you want to be a star, it's what your missing! I honestly do believe that without him my life wouldn't be where it is now, I honestly think that 15 years ago, without George I would have gone under!
